The Courage to Feel

Posted by Sooz on Monday, June 3, 2013 | 6 Comments


Compassion:  “To Suffer Together”

One of the most beautiful qualities of being human is the ability to feel compassion. Compassion is that compelling tug you feel in your heart when you see someone suffering or in pain which then leads you to act on their behalf.  Compassion is more than empathy, it is a willingness to let the suffering of another person truly touch you and motivate your behavior.  Compassion takes risks on behalf of others. Compassion is a verb. It is powerful to witness this action between others and to receive it in your own life. Without compassion civilization would be lost. Compassion gives the world a sense of safety, hope, and tenderness, and it promotes human healing. It equalizes our differences and transcends cultural boundaries. It makes us “one” at a heart level.

The thing about compassion is that to truly feel it, we have to have suffered in some way ourselves. We have to have known the pain of some kind of suffering to be able to feel compassion on behalf of another person. This gives meaning and importance to our personal suffering. Our suffering, if we choose to let it, gives us an ability to relate to and engage deeply with others. Compassion is a positive by-product of our own pain. Compassion also requires us to be aware of or “to see” others rather than being SELF-focused and consumed. Compassion requires vulnerability and generosity coupled with courage. It is a powerful force for good in this world.

It is interesting that most major religions place great emphasis on compassion.  Its importance is seen throughout Christianity with stories like The Good Samaritan. There are frequent statements referring to Jesus being “moved with compassion” for the masses. Judaism promotes the “13 attributes of compassion” and Buddha is known for the statement, “loving kindness and compassion is ALL of our practice.” In most cultures it is seen as a spiritual virtue to be a compassionate person.

We know that compassion is a good thing for society, promoting understanding and unity. When a person shows compassion publicly it directly affects the likelihood that others will respond with compassion when given the opportunity. There is believed to be an actual flow of well-being between the giver and receiver of compassion. Compassion knits society together and supports the idea that we are all connected and responsible for each other. But does it have benefits for the individual? Absolutely. Research is showing that compassion has physical as well as emotional benefits. Studies show that people who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the “stress hormone.” Showing compassion is also a factor in our personal happiness. The practice of compassion improves our sense of wellbeing  and contributes to a sense of personal happiness.

So how can we promote it in our lives? Turns out, like most things, compassion is a practice we can develop through exercise. The website, Seeds of Compassion has some specific suggestions on how this can be done. It only takes a few moments each day. Start daily with the Morning Ritual and then choose one of the practices below it for the day. Finish the day with the evening ritual.

7 Compassion Practices:

1. Morning ritual. Greet each morning with a ritual.  “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Then, when you’ve done this, try one of the practices below.

2. Empathy Practice. The first step in cultivating compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Many of us believe that we have empathy, and on some level nearly all of us do. But many times we are centered on ourselves and we let our sense of empathy get rusty. Try this practice: Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.

3. Commonalities practice. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences. One of the best exercises comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:

— Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
— Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
— Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
— Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
— Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”

4. Relief of suffering practice. Once you can empathize with another person, and understand his humanity and suffering, the next step is to want that person to be free from suffering. This is the heart of compassion — actually the definition of it. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.

5. Act of kindness practice. Now that you’ve gotten good at the 4th practice, take the exercise a step further. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, find a way to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.

6. Those who mistreat us practice. The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you. Do it in little doses, until you are good at it. Practice makes perfect.

7. Evening routine. I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.

These compassionate practices can be done anywhere, any time: At work, at home, on the road, while traveling, while at a store, while at the home of a friend or family member. By sandwiching your day with a morning and evening ritual, you can frame your day properly, in an attitude of trying to practice compassion and develop it within yourself. And with practice, you can begin to do it throughout the day, and throughout your lifetime.

This, above all, with bring happiness to your life and to those around you.

BE courageous and step outside of yourself. Let yourself be moved to show compassion. It will require letting your guard down, being vulnerable, opening up – but in return you will feel the joy of heart-based living!

A "Good" Idea:
Do you have the courage to feel the suffering of others? Goodness can help you.


6 Responses

  1. Debbie says:

    This is a thought-provoking video and post. I visited the site you referenced and was struck by the timeline on the emergence of emotions in childhood development. We have 4-6 months of anger-free living, 6-8 months of fearless living, 18-24 months to live embarrassment-free, envy-free. If daily we could recapture snatches of those times and just breathe… How, like us as parents, God must wish children didn’t have to grow up.

  2. sooz says:

    Beautifully put Debbie! This is a wonderful observation which I am going to ponder. Shame-free, anger-free, fear-free – oh to be young again!! Thank you so much for your comment – it encourages us to know you are reading : )

  3. Bill says:

    This is really a good piece of work. I love it and will send it to a therapist friend of mine.

    • sooz says:

      Thanks Bill! It is great to have your thoughts here and we love that you are such a faithful follower of SaveGoodness!

  4. Emily says:

    Will be making note cards of these steps soon…thank you, S.

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